Big Bad Wolf (2006)
Now this is a werewolf movie made by some sick fucks. Not only does the monster rip his victims to shreds, but he ferociously rapes the more attractive female ones and enjoys every minute of it. How can you tell he's enjoying it? Well, this werewolf can talk (even when he is ravenously clawing at the bare breasts of the typical dumb-blonde-in-horror-movie type). He also rips off limbs and sucks on the bloody ends of them, hacks off people’s heads and chews a couple of faces off of live victims, but the rape scenes are totally over the top. Put it this way, this dvd will redefine doggie-style for even the most shrewd of B horror movie geeks. The guy who played Buddy Revell in 3:00 High plays the werewolf and Eagle Bauer from Rock n Roll High School pays a visit. Everyone else in the movie is basically a new face. (JB)
Fracture (2007)
Anthony Hopkins is his usual psycho character self, intelligent and evil all wrapped up with a sharp smart-ass attitude to go along. This time he’s shot his wife in the head and ends up getting a hard-on for Willy the attorney who wants to prosecute him. With wifey in a coma, the courtroom antics spin out of control as we learn that the first cop on the scene of the shooting was fucking Hopkins’ wife. Ooo, now that’s a weird new Hollywood plot twist. Willy is played by Ryan Gosling, who does a good job in the movie overall, but, by the end the whole story just kind of ran out of gas. I won’t give away the ending. (JB)
The Contract (2006)
Just looking at the cover of this one might be an instant turn off for a lot of people. I mean who wants to see another suspense film with Morgan Freeman in it? John Cusack is still pretty cool though and even though the plot of the movie is pretty corny, I admit that I almost enjoyed it. Cusack is a schoolteacher/baseball coach who is taking his son out camping “Outward Bound” style to do some bonding after the teen gets in trouble back home. While hiking a trail, they come across Freeman, an assassin who has just killed a federal agent and is on the run from some other crazy assassins. Its hard to sell the idea of one ex-cop could take on like five trained military dudes with machine guns and helicopters and win. On top of the difficult suspension of disbelief thing, one can’t help but to beg for the demise of the teenager who is along for the ride. One more snotty ass comment from that brat would make even Ghandi want to jump into the screen and wrench his little head off. (JB)
Premonition (2007)
Although some people I know can’t stand her, I really don’t mind the fact that Sandra Bullock plays the lead in this movie. What I do mind is that she’s playing the lead in a horrible movie. Why did she agree to do this film? The character she plays is a complete psycho idiot. Since when is a premonition when you wake up every other day to a different day that hasn’t happened yet, and then you have to piece together where you are in time??? What the hell kind of mindfuck movie is this? And, of course, at the end, Sandra not only has to witness in person what she already knew was going to happen to her husband, but she also turns out to be the cause of the accident. Whoa, trip out dude, that was so heavy. Sandy, wipe that dumb look of your face and score some better parts. (JB)
Disturbia (2007)
This movie was dead out of the gate with the stupid home shackle ankle bracelet thing going on with a Rear Window style thriller approach. He’s like a young Jimmy Stewart in house arrest! This movie would make Hitchcock want to stick his head facefirst into a toilet full of shit to avoid watching. Why does the Transformer kid suck so bad? Who let that kid into the movies? Doesn’t Paris Hilton have a brother or something? This dork makes a young Tom Cruise seem almost cool. Whoever got the idea that this geek could carry a feature length film was sadly mistaken. I’d recommend a bottle of Kaopectate to go with this one. (JB)
Black Snake Moan (2006)
This movie is a white trash trailer park/southern black tale of a recently jilted country black guy (Samuel L. Jackson) who decides to take it upon himself to reform a young hot countrified slut played by Christina Ricci. Oh wait, you probably already knew that. And, if you saw the trailer, you know he does it by shackling her to his house with a huge chain. So anyway, Ricci writhes around on the floor begging for cock as expected. Jackson, of course, is a bluesman at heart and soothes the savage beast in the whore by playing old blues licks in the living room. Justin Timberlake has a small role as her disturbed boyfriend. This movie is so stupid I’m surprised they actually made it. (JB)
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