BWZ Blogger Tribute: Featuring the Boring Trappings of Everyday Life That No One Wants to Read About!

Life Without Dryer Sheets: A True Saga Investigates the True Role of Dryer Sheets in This Man's Life

It all started a week or so ago doing laundry in the Boredom Watch Corporate Laundry Facility when I discovered that there were only three dryer sheets left in the box. I consciously planted the notion in the back of my head to pick up a box at my next convenience, and moved on to better things. I had to get back on the computer and read some more stupid blogs like the one you are reading. The days clipped by fast and before I knew it, I was pulling a load of laundry out of the washer and it dawned on me, "Oh shit, there aren't anymore dryer sheets!"
Reluctantly, I set the dryer on 60 minute timed dry and shut the door without placing the sacred sheet in with the soggy clothes. Some time later, I would fluff and fold with no thought of the absent sheet. It just slipped my mind I guess. The next three days would be dryer sheet free ones for this liberated zinester. Yes, I have done four loads of laundry now without the sheets and I can't really tell the difference. I must be retarded, but I was a happy retard earlier today at the grocery store when I nonchalantly passed right by Bounce on sale and didn't break stride. Its just one less thing I have to deal with. Epic.

The Official Mike Vick Jersey Repair Kit!!!

Now available through this exclusive offering from Boredom Watch Magazine, this little sewing kit could end up saving you precious dollars!!
Why trash that awesome NFL jersey you paid good hard cash for last winter? Now the name Vick can be easily disguised with BWZ's patented dickhead name blocker fabric!!! This high tech material is the precise Falcon red that is still cherished in Atlanta. A number four is now readily available along with the "Leftwich" moniker for easy sew on applications easily sewn by an array of satisfied customers. Of course, you could always sew the four next to the seven to make "74" and use the "Weiner" moniker, but it would look weird and make a statement. Act now, supplies are limited!

Do You Know About the Metallic Heat?

About a month or so ago, I saw a video on-line of this redneck kid eating a habanero pepper and buckling under the intense pain of the heat. As I watched the kid regurgitate the pepper and grab his face in pain, I laughed out loud and moved on to the next funny YouTube clip. The next day, I watched the video again, but this time I made my kids watch so they would see first hand the pain and agony that a hot ass chili pepper can bring. My boys winced as they watched the idiot redneck boy flail out in true fashion, drool and sound effects included.

Later that same day when they were talking about the habanero boy, I told them a legendary story about one of my old friends in D.C. who told me about this idiot who came into their restaurant and poured some Dave’s Insanity Hot Sauce in his chili and ended up having to be taken out on a stretcher after falling on the floor screaming for mercy. The guy thought he was having a heart attack from the painful hot spicyness.

Then, I remembered to myself about the first time I went to an authentic Thai restaurant in San Diego for dinner, and ordered my dish to be prepared “mild” and ended up in intense pain for like an hour or so after I realized aloud three bites into the dish that, “Holy shit! This shit is spicy!” All of that said, I have to say that my experience at the Med Deli last Sunday was an unforeseen and harrowing one at best.

Claire ordered some chicken kabob thing that she likes, which always comes with a bed of rice topped with a big roasted green jalapeno pepper. That’s what I always thought the pepper was, but now I’m not so sure. In the past, the pepper hasn’t been that hot. Sometimes this mystery pepper has not been hot at all, and she consumed the entire thing. Well, this past Sunday turned out to be a little different.

We ordered the same stuff as always and got down to enjoying another legendary Sunday afternoon family lunch at Med Deli. This has been our tradition for years now. As usual, we ate outside and everything was awesome. I got the mixed grill and a greek salad, she got the kabob plate thing with the pepper on the rice. Epic.

All was well as we savored our meal and enjoyed the outdoor patio seating in the comfortable N.C. September weather. We were almost done eating, and without pause I innocently and idiotically piped up like the fool I was three days ago and asked, "Hey, are you going to eat that pepper?” This seemingly benign little question turned out to be the beginning of a nightmare that I will not soon forget. These were basically my last words, for the next thirty minutes at least.

So, I cut into the end of the pepper gleefully, not unlike the idiot redneck boy aforementioned in this little story. Actually, in a way, I became the idiot redneck habanero boy at that very moment. I gently sliced the end of the roasted green pepper off and positioned it properly on my fork with precision. I think for a minute that I was as deep in a fantasy world as I’ve ever been before, as I placed the toxic substance willfully in my own face and began to chew.

Within fractions of a second after placing the demon pepper in my mouth, I was overcome with an unusual sensation. It was like a metallic rush through my inner mouth and tongue that turned into sheer agonizing pain. I crammed my hand into my mouth and pulled out the chewed up pepper, but it was too late. Things actually got worse from here. I still cannot believe how hot that pepper was. I only had it in my mouth for a second and the effects lasted for the next hour at least. I began grabbing at anything edible left on the table and shoving it in my mouth with the hope that the pain would subside. I drank two more glasses of iced tea and savored every gulp. I was at the point where I had to keep the cold tea in my mouth without swallowing to fend off the pain.

Later, when the sensations of fire igniting inside my torn up oral cavity wore off, I was able to laugh about it and speculate with a mild apprehension about how it would feel on the back end. It was an unpleasant future for my ass that I envisioned, but I was too relieved to worry about it at the time. Hey, there's some material for the next Boredom Watch blog...

Anyway, I guess I had to tell this story for a couple of reasons. The main reason really is to warn my readers that hot peppers are not meant to be taken lightly. Yea, maybe you’ve felt the pain of a searing hot pepper, but when you feel the toxic metallic hot nightmare that I experienced, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Shit, maybe you already do.

About Me???

As per the order of Stella MacPherson, who now resides in L.A. and rarely wears underpants, one of the things we do in the Boredom Watch office when there really is absolutely nothing to do is roll through random Myspace sites to find interesting “About Me” information. Sometimes it can be inspirational, other times it can be disturbing. Here’s a small sampling of what we’ve found:

"Love all, trust a few."
Male
25 years old
949, California
United States
Last Login: 8/25/2007
I love sparkels sometimes I roll around in glue then pour glitter on myself. I like to pretend I am a unicorn with special powers, Awesome powers like being able to make rainbows out of cotton candy.I wish I was unicorn then I would jump up so high and eat the cotton candy rainbow.I would dance and frolock around naked, then go to mall and get glamour shots.Then I would not pay because getting glamour shots of yourself is fuckin gay......and so is driving sober< what?......nevermind. I just got a weird feeling something bad is heading my way. Like when you see an Asian person behind the wheel of a car.

"Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned."
Female
18 years old
[219]Your Basement, Indiana
United States
Last Login: 8/27/2007
I hate my dad. He is an ass. I play Pokemon. Fuck you. I smoke cigs. I drink. I smoke weed. I think my mom is the greatest.

"I care not so much what I am to others as what I am to myself. "
Male
30 years old
Frederick, Maryland
United States
Last Login: 8/23/2007
I live my life as it is thrown at me! I love to hang out with my friends and act like a kid since I am one at heart! I'm a very caring and sincere guy, who also loves to spoil my women...however only if you appreciate it! I have my own townhouse that just got remodled in downtown Frederick, which means walking distance to all the bars!!! Not to mention I have a slurpee machine if I want to have a few people over for a party!!! I love to play beer pong and have my own custom table but don't think I party all the time, I still like to stay home and chill. If you want to know more just ask because if I tell you everything now we wont have anything to start a conversation later!!!!



"Chavo del 310"
Male
24 years old
LOS ANGELES, California
United States
Last Login: 8/23/2007
I am an artist. I am spiritual. I am a businessman. I am outgoing. I am. I love anything that has to do with the arts including theater, film, art, music, dancing, etc. I am a big nerd. I admire intelligence in individuals and the people that surround me. I keep myself busy constantly. I am always moving. I am never home. I look for friends that are intelligent and talk about politics, the future, and philosophy. I am bold and stubborn at times. I don't like to be wrong, but after a few hours, I realize my mistakes and accept my faults. I want to own a trailer where I can travel from city to city, working off my laptop and enjoying a new enviornment, at the push of a pedal. I want to see the world... that's what I live for. I enjoy culture and the beauties that enlie within other communities and civilizations on this planet. I got my diploma as I had planned by 23. I got my company up and running and I am almost 24. I am looking for a good woman to carry my daughter who I wish to have by 25, a trailer by 26, and a husband by 27. I like to dream and make those visions realities. I enjoy every person that comes into my life because we are all different and have something to learn from eachother.

"I am what I am, & I be who I be"
Male
27 years old
Knoxville, Maryland
United States
Last Login: 8/23/2007
Who am i? Good question... I'm a man, who's of age to do "legal legal" stuff. I work full time, and I party hard. I drink to mingle, b/c I'm single. Wanna get to know me for me, or try to par-tay, today. Say something, I ain't scared. I got two types of family, got my friends and my blood, both of which I like & love. Nothing will ever change that. If you wanna figure out who I am, add me and find out. Guess the easiest way to describe me, would be: Being the nice guy, working on getting fly, don't let this playa pass you by. Rollin up to the club, sitting pretty on dubs, don't hesitate ladies, I ain't no scrub. Just remember, it ain't no bother, if all you wanna do is Hollar!



"Jammy."
Male
21 years old
PHOENIX, Alabama
United States
Last Login: 8/28/2007
Well. I'm pretty damn nerdly. I used to work at a computer store, but got fired. For some reasons managers dont like to be called mother fuckers. Now I slave away in a warehouse and pray for the day the ladder falls out from under me. I play a lot of video games. Read comics. And draw (not very well). I dont really like to move around a lot. Mainly on account of my laziness. Spain kicks ass though.

"Bitches Get Stitches!!!"
Male
18 years old
Arizona
United States
Last Login: 8/28/2007
I'm Jonn I Get CD's Before They Even Come Out. I Work At Burger King & The Cricket Pavillion. Money's Money, It Don't Matter. I Absolutely Hate Spiders With A Passion. I Love Going To The Movies So If You Go & You Take Me, I Will Love You =). I Love Music, All Kinds, But Metal & Anything With Screaming In It Is My Favorite =). I Love My Friends & I Will Always Try To Go Out Of My Way For Them, But If I Can't I'm Sorry =/Overall I'm A Very Laid Back Person. I'm Very Open Minded =D. I Have Some Piercings. I love Music, Movies, Video Games, & Chillin' With Friends. My Family & Friends Are The Most Important Things In The World To Me! =) ...And I Have My License =D

6 Quick DVD Reviews

Big Bad Wolf (2006)

Now this is a werewolf movie made by some sick fucks. Not only does the monster rip his victims to shreds, but he ferociously rapes the more attractive female ones and enjoys every minute of it. How can you tell he's enjoying it? Well, this werewolf can talk (even when he is ravenously clawing at the bare breasts of the typical dumb-blonde-in-horror-movie type). He also rips off limbs and sucks on the bloody ends of them, hacks off people’s heads and chews a couple of faces off of live victims, but the rape scenes are totally over the top. Put it this way, this dvd will redefine doggie-style for even the most shrewd of B horror movie geeks. The guy who played Buddy Revell in 3:00 High plays the werewolf and Eagle Bauer from Rock n Roll High School pays a visit. Everyone else in the movie is basically a new face. (JB)



Fracture (2007)

Anthony Hopkins is his usual psycho character self, intelligent and evil all wrapped up with a sharp smart-ass attitude to go along. This time he’s shot his wife in the head and ends up getting a hard-on for Willy the attorney who wants to prosecute him. With wifey in a coma, the courtroom antics spin out of control as we learn that the first cop on the scene of the shooting was fucking Hopkins’ wife. Ooo, now that’s a weird new Hollywood plot twist. Willy is played by Ryan Gosling, who does a good job in the movie overall, but, by the end the whole story just kind of ran out of gas. I won’t give away the ending. (JB)




The Contract (2006)

Just looking at the cover of this one might be an instant turn off for a lot of people. I mean who wants to see another suspense film with Morgan Freeman in it? John Cusack is still pretty cool though and even though the plot of the movie is pretty corny, I admit that I almost enjoyed it. Cusack is a schoolteacher/baseball coach who is taking his son out camping “Outward Bound” style to do some bonding after the teen gets in trouble back home. While hiking a trail, they come across Freeman, an assassin who has just killed a federal agent and is on the run from some other crazy assassins. Its hard to sell the idea of one ex-cop could take on like five trained military dudes with machine guns and helicopters and win. On top of the difficult suspension of disbelief thing, one can’t help but to beg for the demise of the teenager who is along for the ride. One more snotty ass comment from that brat would make even Ghandi want to jump into the screen and wrench his little head off. (JB)



Premonition (2007)

Although some people I know can’t stand her, I really don’t mind the fact that Sandra Bullock plays the lead in this movie. What I do mind is that she’s playing the lead in a horrible movie. Why did she agree to do this film? The character she plays is a complete psycho idiot. Since when is a premonition when you wake up every other day to a different day that hasn’t happened yet, and then you have to piece together where you are in time??? What the hell kind of mindfuck movie is this? And, of course, at the end, Sandra not only has to witness in person what she already knew was going to happen to her husband, but she also turns out to be the cause of the accident. Whoa, trip out dude, that was so heavy. Sandy, wipe that dumb look of your face and score some better parts. (JB)



Disturbia (2007)

This movie was dead out of the gate with the stupid home shackle ankle bracelet thing going on with a Rear Window style thriller approach. He’s like a young Jimmy Stewart in house arrest! This movie would make Hitchcock want to stick his head facefirst into a toilet full of shit to avoid watching. Why does the Transformer kid suck so bad? Who let that kid into the movies? Doesn’t Paris Hilton have a brother or something? This dork makes a young Tom Cruise seem almost cool. Whoever got the idea that this geek could carry a feature length film was sadly mistaken. I’d recommend a bottle of Kaopectate to go with this one. (JB)



Black Snake Moan (2006)

This movie is a white trash trailer park/southern black tale of a recently jilted country black guy (Samuel L. Jackson) who decides to take it upon himself to reform a young hot countrified slut played by Christina Ricci. Oh wait, you probably already knew that. And, if you saw the trailer, you know he does it by shackling her to his house with a huge chain. So anyway, Ricci writhes around on the floor begging for cock as expected. Jackson, of course, is a bluesman at heart and soothes the savage beast in the whore by playing old blues licks in the living room. Justin Timberlake has a small role as her disturbed boyfriend. This movie is so stupid I’m surprised they actually made it. (JB)