Egg & Cheese If You Please

EGG &CHEESE REVIEW

Breakfast for real when you're on the run.
(So we'll begin with a run-on sentence. Get it? -ed.) - Stabler Hsu

What's better than an egg & cheese sandwich to start the day when you're trying to get somewhere and you're late, but you know that reality is just about to kick you in the ass if you don't get some wholesome nutrients into your body pronto? At first, one may turn to that mexican snack known as the breakfast burrito. Yes, those are great, but that's not what this article is about. Personally, I want to grab a hold of an actual egg & cheese sandwich, manhandle it, and rip a chunk out of it with my teeth, absorbing the fuel that will make me do more stupid things in the day ahead. Anyway, the essence of the egg&cheese has yet to be distinguished. For now, we'll relish in knowing that the right egg and cheese can determine the course of the day, and the wrong egg and cheese can send this writer into a 4 G tailspin on the downward spiral into hell commonly known as a shitty day.

First of all, I must tell the tale of my first actual recognition of what the term "egg&cheese" really stood for. Some friends and I had frequented a random fastfood establishment way back when, and I always ordered an egg & cheese croissant regularly (hold the meat). One day, to my dismay, I was mistakenly given a sausage, egg and cheese croissant by accident. Understand now, we had hit up this establishment for egg&cheese sandwiches for some months, and the courteous staff was well aware of the Q.O.C.C. crew and our morning escapades. (note: We were the Q.O.C.C. crew and we ran the grounds at the Quince Orchard Corporate Park every summer for three years. The stories run the gamut, and they will partially be revealed in the next issue of this very zine. )

Anyway, the next day when we pulled up to the microphone, I asserted my displeasure with the fact that I was delivered the wrong sandwich. We all sat perched on the doors of my '72 Dodge Dart for the garbled drive-thru speaker response. Sure enough, girlfriend came correct. She exclaimed gleefully, "Wha wuz dat, Egga-chey? ... Drive on up!" She replaced the sandwich without hesitation and insisted that I have a great day. I guffawed.

It was at that moment that I instantly realized that the egg&cheese was to be a favorite breakfast item for years to come. Since then, I have developed quite a palate for the concoction. I even occasionally enjoy some bacon or some other breakfast meat when I'm feeling radical. I also know now that it comes in every shape and form, and can often please and unfortunately sometimes leave you feeling like you just licked up a flour laden grease slick.

There are some basic levels of the egg&cheese that need first to be established. They are as follows:

1. Quality through and through: From the moment you look at it and the moment you bite into it, till when you chew it up, you savor every mouthful.
2. Fake Quality: Looks good at first, but when consumed leaves you feeling ripped off. The ingredients are there, but they are prepared inadequately.
3. Large Scale Commercial Quality: The site of it doesn't scare you , and after consumption, you have few side effects.
4. Commercial Low Quality: At this level, anything can happen. You might get a mouthful of grease and dough, or the egg could be raw and the cheese barely edible. Approach with caution.
5. Wild Card: These are the little roadside joints that have a lot of contractors coming through in the morning. The product can be awesome or subpar.

These five categories will be clearly defined for anyone who lives in the Chapel Hill area. We'll take a moment now to break it down.

Without question, the best egg&cheese sandwich in the area would have to be the blockbuster delight they serve up at Bagels On the Hill on Weaver Dairy Rd. Unfortunately, it really is a toss-up as to whether you'll actually get what you want, or what Hector and the boys in from Chupacabraville who they brought in to scrape together your morning grub. Sometimes the bagels are the best I've had in years, and the eggs are cooked to order on a flat top griddle. The cheese is quality deli sliced. If bacon is your breakfast meat of choice, B.O.T.H. cooks that stuff right. Basically, anything you consume at this place could put a smile on your face. Their egg&cheese is simply testament to that. They would fall under category #1. Quality through and through. Don't come on a bad day though, for because in this instance you will pay dearly.

As far as the actual food is concerned, at the next level down, we had a real hard time determining who would represent this #2 spot. After quality control testing and several arduous trials, we had to give it to Brugger's Bagels. They have the goods to make it happen, but the experience will leave the true egg&cheese fanatic wanting an after breakfast snack. They get an "A" for effort and a "T" for nice try. They fall into category #2. Fake Quality.

Now, let's ratchet this discussion down a few notches. We are now about to embark on the fastfood odyssey of breakfast sandos gone bad. For category #3. Large Scale Commercial Quality, we had to go cheap and safe. Remember, this level represents some shoddy product, but it only costs a buck or two a pop. Burger King's Egg&cheese croissant will go down easy, but you may need two. As with these lower level sandwiches, the eggs are microwaved and the cheese is straight up dull American plasticio. You're lovin' that bland maleable substance that will assuredly cut into that alcohol thats chewin at yer gut.

God you gotta love this party lifestyle. I could go on for hours about egg and cheeses. I could just keep writin' and a writin'. But then Greg and Ran would kick my ass for wasting time when the Boredom Watch Alliance (the BWA) is just beginning to become entrenched in the lifestyles of so many of our misguided former youths.

Anyway, will you dine with us? Seriously guys, get tough...